There comes a day.
When you lose someone, there comes a day when you wake up and realize that it is no longer two- it is only you.
The past two months, I have awoken to this day. I have realized that I have been lounging in grief and have allowed it to deter me from living life. As time has passed, clarity has become more clear, and I have understood a fundamental fact that has pushed me forward: that Jorre is no longer here, and even though the pain lingers, I have the choice to refuse to linger within the pain.
This epiphany is painful within itself. It has been easy to allow the past to dictate my life, it is even easier than putting one foot in front of the other and pushing myself forward. Grief becomes comfortable. It becomes a cushion between you and the hardest part of overcoming the hurt: moving forward. But I am learning that grief is no longer a cushion; rather, it is like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. It hinders what has been left after the other half is gone- me.
Beating grief is not easy. It is an active effort on a daily basis. It is learning to enjoy life again, regardless of the loss of the life you had before. Beating grief is getting dressed on a daily basis. It is having lunch with friends. It is hearing yourself truly laugh for the first time in months. It is going to a friend’s gender reveal party for her new baby. Beating grief is denying its power to stifle your future and deciding to go back to school.
It is actively choosing to no longer underestimate yourself and believe that you are, in fact, still alive.
And it is an active process within itself. It takes time, and time is not hasty. I still have days when I cry, days when I question difficult aspects of my loss, days when I become afraid of failure. But what happens when you fail? I have asked myself that question many times, and I come to the same conclusion that I came to when I lost my husband: you pick yourself up, and you try again. Grief cannot beat you- you can only beat yourself.
You may not be dealing with grief specifically, but you are probably dealing with something difficult. We all encounter mountains that are seemingly impossible to overcome. No mountain is impossible to climb; all it takes to conquer it is one foot in front of the other. It takes faith- not only faith in yourself, but faith in a loving God.
Adversity cannot beat you, but you can beat yourself.
“Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.” Psalm 30:5